Inexperienced therapist Mistake No. 1 – Lack of Structure

The most common mistake made by inexperienced couples therapists is providing too little structure for the sessions. These therapists let spouses interrupt each other and talk over each other. They watch and observe as spouses speak for each other and read each other’s minds, making attacks and counterattacks. Sessions generate a lot of energetic conversation, but little learning or change. The partners simply reproduce their familiar patterns in the office. The therapist may end the session with something blandly reassuring like, “Well, we’ve gotten a number of the issues on the table,” but the couple leaves demoralized.

Screenwriters are onto this fundamental clinical mistake. In the movie The Ref, Kevin Spacey and Judy Davis are a warring couple in a therapist’s office. At one point, they turn to the therapist, almost pleading for him to intervene in their bickering. He says reflexively, “What I can say is that communication is good.” Later, he adds, “I’m not here to give advice or to take sides,” whereupon Davis shoots back, “Then what good are you anyway?” When the therapist loses control completely and begs the couple to lower their voices, they shout back, “Fuck you!” in unison–the first time they’ve agreed on anything in the session.

Experienced couple therapist Mistake No. 1 – Not standing by marriage

One highly regarded therapist in my local community describes his approach to working with couples in this way: “I tell them that the point is to have a good life together. If they think they can have a good life together, then let’s give it a try. But if they conclude that they can’t have a good life together, then I tell them maybe they should move on.” Again, at one level, this sounds like practical advice, but as a philosophy of working with marital commitment, it’s lame. How does it differ from counseling someone about a job decision? If you think that your frustrating accounting job can eventually work out for you, then try to improve the situation; if not, move on. Most of us didn’t stand up in front of our family, our friends (and maybe our God) and declare our undying loyalty and commitment to Arthur Andersen LLP, but we did so with our spouse.

In this way, the ethic of market capitalism can invade the consulting room without anyone’s seeing it. Do what works for you as an autonomous individual as long as it meets your needs, and be prepared to cut your losses if the futures market in your marriage looks grim. There are legitimate reasons to divorce, but given the hopes and dreams that nearly everyone brings to a marriage, divorce is a wrenching, often tragic, event. I see divorce more like amputation than like cosmetic surgery. That’s a different value orientation than that of one prominent family therapist who sees his job as helping people decide on their best option. “The good marriage or the good divorce,” he told a journalist, “it matters not.”

You can use the information in the linked article to assess how effective or ineffective your couple therapy sessions have become or are likely to become on this link