To begin again

To begin again after many false starts

We have done so much, for so long, with so little, we are now qualified to do anything with nothing. Mother Theresa

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.
Leonard Cohen

If you have had many false starts then you may have to go at a snails pace in order to catch the traps before they catch you.

To begin healing we have first to clear our lives of debris; withdraw from the inessentials, and allow space for creativity to come in. We have to take time and give time.

Rebuilding a broken or tired relationship will occur one conversation at a time.

Many will have to soften harsh start ups to their arguments; self-manage automatic reactions; self-soothe their reactive emotions, and offer each other the validation that comes from a marriage of good attention and empathy.

This will require tough love.

Validation and healing require a good enough balance of the following 7 attributes of love: kindness, restraint, harmony, ambition, humility, connection and correction (i.e. discipline and boundaries).

Each contain elements of all seven – for example, “restraint in kindness” is not going overboard rescuing people; “ambition in restraint” is sub vocally cheering someone to get up off the floor without lifting them yourself; “humility in correction” is knowing that but for the grace of god you would have made exactly the same mess of your life; tough love is love in correction, drawing a clear boundary around where you end and I begin.

Each of those 7 attributes together make a total of forty-nine traits. Exiling one of them is like taking the yeast out of wine making. Understanding the direction of those 49 points on the compass and applying them is a life long journey.

If we are our own and each other’s best friend we draw on a balance of those traits for understanding and problem management.

If our experience is heard and validated by our partner without blame or offering a fix – simply reflected in a mutual bright resonance, the process has begun.

That is the principle of reciprocity.

However, if the basis of the relationship was not good friends, then you will have to grow friendship first.