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Category Archive for: ‘Fair Fighting’

  • It was over in a blink of the eye

    I wasn’t given the chance to sit my husband down and explain why I was leaving. I didn’t have the opportunity to provide clarity, which is what he deserved. Instead it was a sloppy mess and one of the worst days of my life. He […]

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  • Partner abuse by either gender

    Quoted directly and in full from Independent Living Resource Centre for Thunder Bay and the Northwestern Ontario Region, Canada. Characteristics of Abusers If the person you love or live with does these things, it’s time to get help: • Keeps track of what you are […]

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  • How Gottman predicts separation/divorce 6

    THE SIXTH SIGN: BAD MEMORIES “When a relationship gets subsumed in negativity, it’s not only the couple’s present and future life together that are put at risk. Their past is in danger, too. Couples who are deeply entrenched in a negative view of their spouse […]

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  • How Gottman predicts separation/divorce 5

    THE FIFTH SIGN: FAILED REPAIR ATTEMPTS “While it takes time for the four horsemen and the flooding that comes in their wake to overrun a marriage, divorce can so often be predicted by listening to a single conversation between newlyweds. By analysing any disagreement a […]

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  • How Gottman predicts separation/divorce 4

    THE FOURTH SIGN: BODY LANGUAGE “Even if you could not hear the conversation between a stonewaller and the spouse, you would be able to predict their divorce simply by looking at the stonewaller’s physiological readings. When couples are monitored for bodily changes during a tense […]

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  • How Gottman predicts separation/divorce 3

    THE THIRD SIGN: FLOODING Usually people stonewall as a protection against feeling flooded. Flooding means that your spouse’s negativity — whether in the guise of criticism or contempt or even defensiveness — is so overwhelming, and so sudden, that it leaves you shell-shocked. You feel […]

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  • Lucy & Bart 2

    THE CAVALRY ARRIVES Lucy and Bart’s capacity to know and feel their experience in the moment is at an embryonic stage of development. This is true of all humanity. We place all sorts of interruptions in the way of experiencing what is happening inside ourselves. […]

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  • How Gottman predicts separation/divorce 2

    THE SECOND SIGN: THE FOUR HORSEMEN A harsh startup sounds the warning bell that the couple may be having serious difficulty. As the discussion unfolds, Gottman continues to look out for particular types of negative interactions. Certain kinds of negativity, if allowed to run rampant, […]

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  • Lucy & Bart 1

    DINNER – HARSH STARTUP WITH A DRIZZLE OF CONTEMPT Lucy and Bart live in a beautiful home in the heights of a small coastal town. Best house in the best street says Lucy. Bart is from Brisbane, where his extended family reside. He is a […]

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  • How Gottman predicts separation/divorce 1

    THE FIRST SIGN: HARSH STARTUP A relationship’s breakdown can be predicted by habitual harsh startup and frequent flooding brought on by the relentless presence of the four horsemen (described in following posts 2 & 3) during disagreements. Although each of these factors alone can predict […]

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  • Fair fighting part 8 – seventeen ground rules

    Seventeen ground rules for constructive fighting I retrieved this excellent list from an unlikely source: a blog by Tatsumi girl, self described as an OmniSexual Polyamourous Switch involved in several long-term relationships at http://goo.gl/9NOvfT

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  • Fair fighting part 7 – talk, laugh and play

    Forgotten how to talk, laugh and play? When Betty is upset with Allan, she heads for the mall. Then they regroup and go on as if nothing’s happened. Never in forty-five years of marriage have they sat down to have a ‘dialogue’ about their relationship. […]

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